I always want these entries to be a weekly report with positive vibes and genuine tips on how I’m getting into marathon shape despite using the same pelvis to push out a pumpkin-sized baby that I use to propel my running stride. But, the truth is, the vibes aren’t always good and marathon training doesn’t always feel rewarding, or even like I’m doing it right.
Or am I thinking about parenthood? I’m not sure.
I’ve heard both completing a marathon and childbirth makes you feel like you can do anything after surviving the blood, sweat, tears, and $h*tting yourself in front of people (again, could be referring to a marathon or childbirth), but I’ve felt anything but lately.
Running is one of my favorite things to do. But sometimes, I hate running.
Sometimes, I want to quit.
Sometimes, I get a surge of joy when I tell myself I don’t have to run today.
Sometimes, I doubt I can even call myself a runner.
Sometimes, I think that I’m ridiculous/neglectful/selfish for prioritizing marathon training over anything less important than taking care of my baby.
And my baby is my favorite thing in the whole world...
...But sometimes, it feels like I’m more capable at running back to back marathons at this physically weak moment than being the mom she deserves. And that sucks. Does anyone else feel that way?
As runners and as parents, we have this infuriatingly stubborn knack to not give up, especially when we want to. I’m not giving up on parenting (obvs), marathon running, and finding a balance that allows me to do both. But I felt like I needed to share the nearly paralyzing doubt and guilt that comes with sparing parts of your physical and mental ability for something you want to do for yourself, because I don’t think it’s just me.
But still, between marathon training and Baby, Baby will always come first. Figuring out ways to squish my loose definition of “marathon training” around being a parent is secondary. So, if I don’t make it the whole 26.2 miles, there’s only one person to blame—and her name’s Eleanor.
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